Last Lesson

These past few days I've been thinking and trying to improve my life in general after my break up. Then few days after, my team mate invited me for breakfast meeting. Actually, we simply talked about career planning, job progress, new chances of work scope. But what really hit my common sense was his one simple opening:
"I think, regarding of our good but stagnant job progress, we've been in comfort zone without we realize it.."

Then he challenged me and the team to strive better without dictating what should we do. He let us decide what's best for us and the job.

Hearing that opening, I felt like slapped. I could only whisper "shit!" to myself.  No wonder my romantic life is messed up. I didn't challenge myself. I was in comfort zone all the time. I mistook the foundation of all successful relationship which is acceptance as justification for my lack of motivation and continued laying in his bed all day watching TV series or scrolling my Facebook newsfeed. While his message was right all this time, the fact he said it in degrading and demotivating way biased me. Now I realize I didn't love myself enough here.

On the other hand, I was giving him everything, but there was no challenge in everything. I loved so hard that I forgot that love was not only about sweet things or passive supports. I didn't challenge him at all because I was too insecurely defensive, which led to the point I didn't want to challenge him the way he challenged me. So I only demanded and only when shit happened. There is difference between challenge and demand. Challenge positively provokes the inner sense to be better, while demand sounds like request to fulfill ego. I would motivate the next without treating him like walking bag of shortcomings. Personal experience told me that making partner feel small will never be effective way to challenge.

Now I only realize this when things are shattered already. So unfortunate of me, I know. Thankfully, there was always lesson to be learned, and I don't only want to be superficial sweet partner anymore, I want to be someone who is strong enough to admit comfort zone. I know the fact I'm late will hurt my chest again in the morning. But self-love is what I need now, what we need to be better. I won't dwell in this regret because I couldn't change anything yet I could still be grateful for this mind-opening realization.

PS: Except for the open relationship part and the unspoken concern, my dear. Even my love was not strong enough to live with that.