Last Lesson

These past few days I've been thinking and trying to improve my life in general after my break up. Then few days after, my team mate invited me for breakfast meeting. Actually, we simply talked about career planning, job progress, new chances of work scope. But what really hit my common sense was his one simple opening:
"I think, regarding of our good but stagnant job progress, we've been in comfort zone without we realize it.."

Then he challenged me and the team to strive better without dictating what should we do. He let us decide what's best for us and the job.

Hearing that opening, I felt like slapped. I could only whisper "shit!" to myself.  No wonder my romantic life is messed up. I didn't challenge myself. I was in comfort zone all the time. I mistook the foundation of all successful relationship which is acceptance as justification for my lack of motivation and continued laying in his bed all day watching TV series or scrolling my Facebook newsfeed. While his message was right all this time, the fact he said it in degrading and demotivating way biased me. Now I realize I didn't love myself enough here.

On the other hand, I was giving him everything, but there was no challenge in everything. I loved so hard that I forgot that love was not only about sweet things or passive supports. I didn't challenge him at all because I was too insecurely defensive, which led to the point I didn't want to challenge him the way he challenged me. So I only demanded and only when shit happened. There is difference between challenge and demand. Challenge positively provokes the inner sense to be better, while demand sounds like request to fulfill ego. I would motivate the next without treating him like walking bag of shortcomings. Personal experience told me that making partner feel small will never be effective way to challenge.

Now I only realize this when things are shattered already. So unfortunate of me, I know. Thankfully, there was always lesson to be learned, and I don't only want to be superficial sweet partner anymore, I want to be someone who is strong enough to admit comfort zone. I know the fact I'm late will hurt my chest again in the morning. But self-love is what I need now, what we need to be better. I won't dwell in this regret because I couldn't change anything yet I could still be grateful for this mind-opening realization.

PS: Except for the open relationship part and the unspoken concern, my dear. Even my love was not strong enough to live with that.

Shit Happens

Embrace it.

You're still breathing.
You still have so many objectives.
You're alive.
You're still okay.


Now move away.
Nobody has right to tell whether you're enough or not.
Nobody has right to dominate you.
Nobody has right to treat you like a safe-option.

Again, move away from there.
Move away.
For your own good.
For both party.

Lesson learned and goodness may come along.

Kidnap

I will never forget how the string made
I will never forget how you tasted the best penne in town
I will never forget your humble first presence in the busy morning
Remember you tried to kidnap me but ended up I was the one who kidnap you..

You know what? You actually kidnapped me.
From the sorrow I'd been dwelling
From the doubt I'd been fighting
From the negativity I'd been trying to conquer

Because in this very honest moment,
I wish to feel more and bigger love from you
But that's not what I need
I need to feel it more from myself
The one I've been neglected for long time 

So I'm sorry, you
And also goes to myself. 
Sorry.

There it goes best personal kidnapping story.

Chicken Salsa

Hari ini bangun jam 6 pagi tidak begitu sulit. Aneh.
Meengingat pagi tidak pernah bersahabat dengan tubuh ini. 
Sebenarnya karena mimpi menyapa bangun.
Yang biasanya acuh lalu tidur kembali, kali ini tidak. Aneh.

Mimpi ini juga absurd, sampai-sampai muncul keharusan
Untuk merekamnya di tautan ini dalam bentuk kata demi kata.

Berawal dari pergaulan bersama temen SD yang akrab.
Saking akrabnya sampai pinjem sendal ke rumahnya
dan kelling gang perumahan teman-teman SD yang saking akrabnya,
motong jalanpun tinggal melewati rumahnya. Aneh.

Yang lebih aneh lagi, almarhumah tante ada di ruang tamu.
Duduk sedang menonton televisi, hobinya.
Dia ingin chicken salsa McD.
Lucu, dapur pun berubah menjadi counter McD.

Begitu sulit untuk membelikan dia Chicken Salsa tersebut.
Si mbak saja sampai bengong pas mendengar keberadaan almarhumah.
"Bener ada dia?"
"Mbak, saya tuh lagi ngobrol sama siapa sih di depan?"
"Fildza.. tapi dia di kamar."
Bahkan di mimpi tersebut pelaku seperti orang tidak waras.
Bulak-balik ke ruang tamu, karena dialog hanya bersifat hospitality,
yang selalu direspon demand almarhumah dengan pertanyaan "ngerti nggak?" 
Tapi tetap pesanan terakhir yaitu yaitu Chicken Salsa.
Padahal manusianya masih bingung karena eksistensi almarhumah sendiri.

Akhirnya dipesan Chicken Salsa, yang tak kunjung datang.
Terakhir kalinya ke dapur yang berubah jadi counter McD itu,
Briefing si Mbak sekali lagi untuk Chicken Salsa..
Kali ini ditambah pemandangan tuyul mencuri di dapur.
Sayangnya tuyul ini terabaikan, mengingat eksistensi almarhumah terlalu overwhelming.

Lalu almarhumah, berubah pikiran berkata ingin pulang saja karena sudah larut malam.
Yang di mana rumahnya bersebelahan. 
Pas diantar, lagi-lagi dia berkata "ngerti nggak?"
sambil muka senyum dan kedua tangannya menggengam lengan ini. 

Kebangun.
It felt, so real.

Kangen kali ya?

Doa Takut

Berbisik di malam hari.
Mengingatkan ketidaksempurnaan diri
.. sedikit demi sedikit.

Mata amatir berkata ini ancaman,
sayangnya mata ini profesional.
Baik dalam terpejam untuk bersyukur
ataupun ketika membendung ombak rasa

Diri ini melihat takut sebagai hidup.
Takut sebagai indikator kesehatan,
mesin pertahanan pertama,
atau desir emosi motivasi.

Mata ini merekam akar takut
namun otak terbatas
dan saya bersyukur.
Hati tidak akan pernah lupa.

Bahwa saya takut jiwa ini lupa bersyukur
akan kehadiran anda yang menyebalkan
namun mendamaikan jiwa

Takut akan selalu mengingatkan saya
rasa kebahagiaan pantai selatan
yang tak akan pernah saya nodai
ataupun orang lain.

Amin.

The Lie & The Hollow Heart

The book shall no lie
No one deserves a honey covering a needle 

The smell of the paper shall not remind us of pain
But the smell of their skin shall remind us
of how powerful our love was

And the man shall no forget

So decision shall be made by the man
He no longer approves any lie
He will despise those sweet scent
He will burn what's within him

Even it hurts the man more than he can brace

Even time cries and the sun can't shine
through the dark room of him

But he would walk and remember
Those ol' good times shall not keeping him

To be free

For what he deserves is coping up
with the imperfection of his skeleton
and the loss of his dearest irony

Though, this love hopes remaining immortal
Not here, but there

On the eyes which shall read this hollow piece of his heart

Darkness and Clarity

When some parts of the wings got destroyed
and everybody sympathizes how broken both are.
Instead, only you pray for tomorrow and its hopes,
only you try to see the capability's left.

Like story of great reef
Long standing without fear
Kissed by waves indestructibly

However, one can't deny
to realize how vulnerable one's soul.
To realize of what makes something great
are often miserable death.

Now one can see the strings
between darkness and clarity,
between ending and peacefulness.
 
Good morning, Jakarta